yuren

I was born 1990, July 10. I think I was born in Ulsan, South Korea.

My childhood, I think, was happy and I was very spoiled. I remember a few things, though some are pretty traumatizing. My dad hitting my mom during a fight. My mom rushing me to my room when he got so angry at me, her barricading the door and him trying to storm in. The truck accident, my legs. Showering in the front yard with a hose, grandma's house, with my cousins. My maternal grandmother's house, how it was dark, and how they ran a bread shop and I ate bread. I loved bread from an early age. The big jar of candy dad got for me and sharing with the neighborhood kids. That scary dog and the unni that helped me through, although she was irritated...god I was so scared. Now I know it was completely unreasonable, that dog was chained. But I thought it could still reach me.

Things took a downward turn, but I don't remember being too sad. Only in retrospect. It's a blessing I'm not sensitive, cause i would have turned emo. Parents got divorced at some point, don't remember but know. How do I know, did someone just tell me and it got burned into my memory? It seems that I've always known they're divorced but don't recall how I found out.

I was sent to live with my paternal grandmother. I don't know how, I was just living there at some point. My memories are very blurred, and again, I wasn't the world's most sensitive or alert child. I was probably fine, easygoing. I remember going with grandma to see 감, that fruit, being manufactured. My father coming to see me at grandma's and me rushing out because I missed him... Seeing that car and thinking it him, watching him drive away... It probably wasn't him though. Leaving on that plane, looking down, seeing a lone man staring up at the plane, airport ground... But that, of course, couldn't be him. Haha. The phantom, every time.

I don't get how or why I remember giving candy, it's not traumatizing or even important. Kinda random. Whatever, you remember random things as well as big things.

I came to Canada at age 7 with my would-have-been stepmom, Rose. She left after some time. She and my dad didn't get married after all. 고모 said her parents didn't approve of an older divorcee with a daughter. I can't remember, but I know I cried when she left. Vestige-memory? I still have her farewell letter, but it doesn't mention me specifically at all. I called her 엄마. Now that I think about it, how did I so easily call her that, what about my real mom? I have no memory of how she slipped out of my life, back in Korea. She just wasn't there at some point and I called another woman 'mom' so easily.

Again, insensitive, going with the flow, not caring too much. Easygoing. Dull. Emotional but dull.

I wish Rose well, I hope she is happy, got married to a loving man and had children. I hope she remembers me with fond memories.

I came to the house of 큰아빠, dad's older brother. 큰엄마 and my two cousins. It feels weird talking about them like this because they are still a part of my regular life. 큰엄마 is with Luke at the moment, in this house.

The house I came to in Canada housed these five people, with 작은고모, the youngest sibling.

This is the end of 'Part 1', somewhat. The early years in Canada is for next time.

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So there's this girl I barely know, only heard rumours and stories, saw pictures.... '93이야 ㅠㅠ 근데 너무 멋있는거 있지 ㅠㅠ she's trashy and slutty and not what you want to
emulate but she seems very cool, very unafraid to do whatever she wants. A lot of people know her. I am sure girls and guys (knowing Korean guys) talk shit about her all the time but I'm sure no one can say it to her face.

I heard stories. She's been kicked out and lived with guys, quit school for a year, rumours of pictures taken during sex in middle school. Middle school! When I think back to middle school though, that was when kids were scariest. You mix in new adolescence and the things it comes with, like discovering drugs, sex, alcohol; a bad neighborhood, yearning to be older and - there you go, new 13-year-old gang recruit. The early years of adolescence are scary because you're kind of entering adulthood and old enough to learn but too young to know any better. You're too young to fear consequences or know reality, that you might screw up your entire life.

To get back on track - this girl was notorious when we were younger. And she is so young, 17, holy shit. I saw some clubbing pictures and she looked trashy and fake but damn she looked hot.

So it brings me back to - what am I doing with my life?? Only yesterday I was saying, let's not be so innocent, we spent our teen years doing nothing and not having a single boyfriend. Imagine that!! How could I, we, have gone through all of high school and nearly three years of university not having a boyfriend???

I really have started late. Didn't drink till I reached university. Only smoked starting from second year. Oh man, my life's been so innocent and boring. Like nothing to show for it. And it's not like I achieved so much staying at home. All I do is troll around the Internet.

So this is why I went out last weekend to Jessica and jenny's birthday at wetbar. And this is why I'm going out tonight, even though I don't feel like it. I need to get out more, have fun and live.

I need to lose weight. And get a boyfriend. Ha!

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Today my best friend turned 20. 혜미, 소정 and I met and do what we do best - eat, talk, moan about having no boyfriend ha.

I am so very grateful to have at least a few people on this planet whom I can say are truly friends. I don't have a lot of friends in the first place, but I would rather have only these two than the world.

Having a real friend is a blessing and people don't know just how rare a friend is. Thank you, thank you.

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Its not natural to me. I'll try my best, because being feminine - not, liking girly things, gossiping, but being sensitive, soft, being encouraging - it's not easy. It's not easy to be like that with family members, especially.

I need to try, because I made someone very angry, very hurt, because I was so insensitive to what they were so worried and dispirited about. I knew they were having a bad day, I chose not to think before speaking... Thinking, choosing my words, gauging the atmosphere... I am bad at that. I still remember the Montreal incident.

I've realized this many times but haven't acted on it. I feel very sorry.

A part of me is still indignant, however, because I had in fact spoken with the intention to tell her not to worry about it, no big deal. But 고모, as I keep forgetting, is a very sensitive person who gets offended easily. What's more, a lot of pride causes her to not see when someone tells her to tone it down. The result - people don't tell her things because her anger is going to flare. She does what she wants to do. She is a very selfish person, and had no scruples about using a person's guilt against them.

She should not have ignored Ruben's mom in that way. Luke's grandmother is an impossible person, but how she stopped seeing her was wrong... and immature.

I am very sorry I was so insensitive, but I am upset that I have to bend down and not even have a chance to defend myself because her pride won't allow any acquiescence. I do not think it's entirely my fault. It's my viewpoint, but I do think she overreacted, as usual. I still remember the 꿀꽈베기 incident.

There are many things to learn from and admire about 고모, but I will not emulate her pride that does not allow her to see wrong when wrong is done. I will not emulate how she does whatever she wants to do.

In every situation, I need to learn.

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I am lucky to go to a prestigious university. Stop hating studying, grit your teeth, do it.

Maybe the contents of this journal will be published, haha, I should start writing down things about myself, family, friends, etc. The background info.

I will have to do it next time though, because I'm already procrastinating from a very busy week. Ugh.

No, no, I'm grateful. If I repeat it enough it will become a thought of habit, then it will become my reality.

Really want that wool hat from American Apparel...

Don't have much of a desire to wipe out my materialism because I like it, I like expensive things and designer luxuries. The important thing is not to gripe, bitch, and moan about not having them. Instead - WORK hard and I will earn them!

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Ugh I feel like emo-kid extraordinaire.

I'm going to try hard to go to both Korea and Japan in the summer. Also I would love, love to go somewhere for one semester, somewhere in Europe....ideally England because I can understand the language, and take weekend trips to Paris.

I really wish I did this earlier so I don't have to cram everything, as I'm doing now. Money is a big issue, but now I have to worry about credits and I'm not sure what to do.

Sleepy. Going to bed. Tomorrow is a big day!...not.

God I wish I were free from school, obligations, **my life**, and lived for fame, beauty, and enjoyment.

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